N.U.C.L.E.A.R. Reaction

Welcome back to this 7 part series on N.U.C.L.E.A.R. Reaction.  This week I’m offering the final piece of this series and will write about the final letter “R” in the acronym.

The letter “R” in N.U.C.L.E.A.R. stands for “Responding.”  The application is about genuinely responding to ourselves, another and a situation after taking all the previous steps written about in the N.U.C.L.E.A.R. Reaction sequence.

Imagine the response we may be capable of after moving through the sequence of noticing, understanding, choosing, letting go, engaging and appreciating ourselves and another. With (hopefully!) clear energy and full attention we can respond with presence to an interaction instead of remaining stuck in reaction.

Responding to someone means first responding to ourselves and tending to what requires our attention so we may become as clear as possible.

Early in the morning Nancy received a text message from her business partner informing her that their important business meeting had been re-scheduled to that afternoon from later in the week.  Nancy was surprised that Beth would make a unilateral decision like that and found herself feeling put off.

Having experienced training in the N.U.C.L.E.A.R. Reaction work, Nancy took herself through the sequence.

She noticed she felt put off and explored the feeling.  She found that she felt undervalued and controlled as she hadn’t been included in the decision about the change of plans.

Understanding that she felt these things she stopped to check in with her own perceptions about herself and asked some insightful questions: Did she undervalue herself?  Did her voice matter? Why wasn’t she consulted instead of informed?  In her exploration she even pondered the idea that Beth may have been pulling a power play which then made her feel angry.

She contemplated all the choices of perception that were moving through her mind.  She felt the push and pull of concern, anger, insecurity and pressure to now show up for something she wasn’t prepared for.  Aside from all of this, she already had a booking in place for the same time that she didn’t wish to move.

Nancy decided to let go.  She stopped her thinking, took up some slow deep breathing and became still.  She felt all kinds of energy moving in her body and she waited for everything to settle.  Once she felt quiet and calm she moved into a feeling of spaciousness.  There was a feeling of expansion, breathing room so to speak.  A still, small voice arose from within her, suggesting that she love herself in this moment.  Nancy relaxed more deeply and rested in her heart.  A space of softness and wisdom showed up, and then a guiding question:  ‘What would it be like to simply feel what works for you and present that to Beth instead of jumping to make this work for her?”

 Nancy sat with this for a moment.  She recognized that she hadn’t considered the fact that she could make a counter offer to the new plan.  She felt self-respect and fresh energy with this realization.

Nancy engaged this fresh perspective with a renewed heart.  It also dawned on her that she didn’t know why Beth made a change without her. She had been so surprised it hadn’t occurred to her to ask.

Nancy called Beth right away.  She greeted Beth calmly and clearly and said, “Beth, I was surprised to receive your text this morning and wonder what moved you to re-schedule us?”  Beth responded by explaining that the client had another offer to consider and that she felt pressured to close the deal before the competition snagged their big fish.

Nancy understood Beth’s motivation and also knew that Beth tended to be a bit anxious at times.  Nancy appreciated Beth’s choice of action and told her so.   She also noted that she wasn’t available for the new plan. She then invited Beth to relax and envision their original meeting date as a successful event and to trust that it would be so.  Nancy then offered to call the clients to sure up their meeting later in the week.  She also took this opportunity to learn about what the competition was offering.  Now that Nancy had reinstated her own value and worth and was appreciating herself, she knew she could also raise the client’s confidence in their offering.

With her new, genuine appreciation for the clients, her business partner and herself, Nancy called the clients, learned everything she could and confirmed their meeting in two days.  As she spoke with them she inwardly affirmed the positive results and win-win scenario she knew would be the outcome of their meeting.

Nancy called Beth and responded to the opportunity at hand.  She thanked Beth for wanting to save the deal and keep the clients and for doing her best to handle this best way she knew how.  Nancy informed Beth about what she learned  relative to the competition and offered a plan that she knew would be unbeatable in the eyes of their clients.

Beth felt supported and enthusiastic with Nancy’s new insights and plan of action.  Nancy felt pleased with the opportunity for growth that this experience afforded her.

Later that week, contracts were signed and everybody won.

To learn more about Danae’s private consultation work or upcoming Teleseminar / Webinars please visit www.TheBreathingLife.com.  You can also contact Danae at:  DanaeBreathingLife@gmail.com.

N.U.C.L.E.A.R. Reaction

Welcome back to this 7 part series on N.U.C.L.E.A.R. Reaction.  This week I’m going to write about the sixth letter in our acronym, “A.”

The letter “A” in N.U.C.L.E.A.R. stands for “Appreciating.”  The application is about genuinely appreciating ourselves (and another) for taking the time to care enough to “uplift” an interaction.  It is also important to appreciate that most likely, everyone is doing the best they know how to with who they are and what they have to work with.

This intentional appreciation follows the sequence of engaging the fresh energy after letting go. We arrived at letting go of all energy, perceptions and anticipated movement after noticing and understanding what is happening with ourselves and another when we get triggered.  We already went through the steps of making choices about what direction to focus on, namely love or fear.

Appreciation is a powerful energy that brings a sense of gratitude to the energetic dynamics taking place. Appreciating and gratefulness are like “medicine” for our hearts and souls. They are life-giving energies.  Most books on manifesting will note that an attitude of gratitude and appreciation are key components to creating the life we want.

While in the chaos of moving, my son and I started becoming ensnared in the inevitable power struggle over who knew better how to get the box spring down three flights of stairs.  I knew that I had a lot of experience moving, and that he had less, after all he was much younger the last time we moved.  With this in mind, I knew that I KNEW how to do it better.  He knew that he was stronger and more adept at calculating spatial relationships, this was a fact in his mind.

After a few minutes of growing impatient and frustrated with each other we stopped and put the box spring down.  I applied the sequence I’ve been writing about and saw the whole scene from a very comical perspective.

As a mom, I have to say that it is emotionally confusing to have a 5’11’’ husky voiced young man directing me when I’m remembering toting this same creature around on my hip.  I basically fell apart with joy and appreciation for my son who I was fighting it out with over a box spring.  I had to put the box spring down from laughing at our antics and my refusal to admit that I am in the “letting him go watching him fly” stage of parenthood…gut wrenching and glorious both.

I was filled with appreciation for myself first, noticing that I was choosing to love myself enough to break the cycle of tension building between myself and my son. I next appreciated him for helping; he was offering direction, trusting in his male orientation to the task and all about conquering the box spring!

I took a breath and recognized the gifts of the moment.  With renewed energy, an agreement to work as a team and a heart full of gratitude we proceeded to win our battle over the box spring.  At the street level he carried the box spring off by himself to the dumpster, proud of his ability to be more efficient without my “help.”

The gleam in his eye was worth a lifetime of great moments to me.  Appreciation can go a long way.

Next week I’ll share about the final step in our sequence: “Responding”.

To learn more about Danae’s private consultation work or upcoming Teleseminar / Webinars please visit www.TheBreathingLife.com

N.U.C.L.E.A.R. Reaction

Welcome back to this 7 part series on  N.U.C.L.E.A.R. Reaction.  This week I’m going to write about the fifth letter in our acronym, “E.”

The letter “E” in N.U.C.L.E.A.R. stands for “Engaging.”  The application is about participating in a new moment of energy after letting go; it’s about engaging the fresh energy.  We arrived at letting go of all energy, perceptions and anticipated movement after noticing and understanding what is happening with ourselves and another when we get triggered.  We already went through the steps of making choices about what direction to focus on, namely love or fear.

In last week’s story, Meg went in to the silence, the emptiness and took a moment of rest after letting go in her interaction with Dave.  She waited in the spacious emptiness and in so doing found an inspiration arising.  The inspiration was an intuitive insight which allowed her to see the dynamic with her husband Dave from a fresh perspective.

Meg felt a tangible presence of compassion arise within her.  She was being engaged from within, from love’s purpose moving her.  Words born from this place filled her heart and mind.   Once engaged inwardly, she offered this gift to Dave, she engaged him in her new found energy.  She shared her aliveness and gifted the moment between them.

One of the important pieces of experiencing new, engaging energy is to take a moment to cherish the experience for what it is.  There is fresh energy, love’s movement and the gift that this brings to self, namely freedom, aliveness and permission to show up.

When we taste this for ourselves it tends to bring healing. Not only can we see the “other” in a new light, we can see ourselves this way too and often this is a moment of self-renewal.

Moving to engage another from this self-resourced place is incredible, especially if we offer the engagement from a place of humility.  Humility allows us to offer the gift without reaching for power over the moment, ourselves or another.  It is easy to think that since we are having a “magnificent moment” that we’re in a power position over the other.  This is what I call “mistake” thinking.  We have been given a gift from within and we are in a position to offer it up.  It also works best to be un-attached to the results of the offering.

Meg didn’t crumble when she saw that her offering was not received by Dave.  She was engaged in the love, being filled by its living presence and relaxing in its renewal.  This piece is precious in terms of communication dynamics.

Meg was present as a fountain of love, regardless of Dave’s capacity to fully receive her gift in the moment. She made the choice to humbly share, rest in the experience and move on.  She didn’t lose love’s power by placing the value of her gift in his possession.

Too many times we place our self-worth in the hands of another.  Too many times we require validation from outside of us.  Too little do we allow ourselves to receive the love we really want to feel from within our own inner self.

Receiving love from another, exchanging love with another,  is a treasure to be held gently.  We all have the basic need to feel loved, however it is not anybody else’s job to cause us to feel loveable.  We can enjoy swimming in the sweetness of the gifts of one another’s lovingness.  However, if we are looking for love outside, instead of from within, to fill us, then it’s like the old song says, “Looking for love in all the wrong places.”

Next week I’ll share about the next step in our sequence: Appreciating.

To learn more about Danae’s private consultation work or upcoming Teleseminar / Webinars please visit www.TheBreathingLife.com

N.U.C.L.E.A.R. Reaction

Welcome back to this 7 part series on  N.U.C.L.E.A.R. Reaction.  This week I’m going to write about the fourth letter in our acronym, “L.”

The letter “L” in  N.U.C.L.E.A.R. stands for “letting go.”  The application is about letting go of all energy, perceptions and anticipated movement after noticing and understanding what is happening with ourselves and another when we get triggered and after making choices about what direction to focus on, namely love or fear.

Most of us don’t like to let go.  We get caught up in our attachments and letting go can feel like giving up.  Letting go is not giving up.

When we let go in the moment of anything we’re attached to a bigger space opens.  There is room to breathe, and space to feel.

Usually we don’t want to let go because our identity is invested in who we show up as and most of us have a healthy dose of a need for control so letting go can feel like crazy making.

Once we’ve arrived at this place in the N.U.C.L.E.A.R. sequence we’ve done a good investigation of what is happening.  We’ve noticed the energy, understood what is happening within ourselves, and hopefully with another and we’ve made some choices about how we want to handle the dynamic of having been triggered.

Letting go is informing.  In that moment of release, something else opens beyond our investment to take control.  Often what opens, if we really relax is inspiration, insight and a feeling of freedom.  When we let go, we can feel in to the endless possibilities of the creative energy of the moment without agenda.  Usually energy that is discordant or tight will seek resolve. Letting go opens these doors.

Meg was on fire from an interaction with her husband. The issue between them was old and tiresome.  Day after day, for weeks and years on end they were hooked in to a dynamic where she felt exasperated at trying to be his cheerleader.  Dave would often seek Meg’s approval and support whenever he felt low self-esteem.  While she loved him and believed in him, she found it exhausting to try and convince him of his goodness and value when he didn’t want to believe it himself.

During their interaction Meg noticed that she was feeling triggered.  She stopped and took an inventory of what was happening with her breathing, it was quickening with anxiety.  She noticed her thoughts, “Oh, here we go again I’m going to feel like the life is being sucked out of me trying to lift his mood while he fights me every inch of the way.  Why does he do this, why do I?”

 Meg understood that she felt anxious and resistant to the roles they were about to play and decided to make another choice.  She chose to freeze the moment, and get clear on her part in it.  What Meg felt moved to do was to name the dynamic out loud to both of them.  Dave was very surprised when she did so.  Meg offered it this way, “Honey, you know I love you and believe in you.  I feel like you are expecting me to cheer lead you in to believing in yourself right now.  This is something we’ve done for years.  When I do that, you resist and frankly it’s tiring for me to try and get you to take stock in yourself.  I just don’t want to do this.”

 Dave wasn’t on the same page as Meg, he was invested in the dynamic.  He was also already resisting his own power and value and therefore didn’t have much room to hear what Meg had just proposed.  He looked at her imploringly waiting for her to participate in this unconscious game.

Meg decided to let go. She stood before Dave not saying a word and not moving in any particular direction mentally, emotionally or psychologically.  She breathed in to her own body, relaxed and found her way to let go of the expectation and fear of disappointment that hung in the space.

When Meg let go it was an energetic feeling, like dropping weight.  She didn’t have anything to go on, she just rested in the blankness, enjoying the relief of the heaviness.  As she breathed she noticed Dave wasn’t really with her but was engaged in a suspended anticipation of her best words.

Meg looked at Dave and waited.  A wave of inspiration arose from within her and she suddenly had the capacity to see this age old issue from a different place.  It dawned on her that Dave was truly the only one who could heal this place of pain within him and that it wasn’t actually her job to make it better.  Her heart opened with compassion for him as she realized she could not do this piece for him, it was his to do, she was not responsible.  Her heart opened in compassion for herself, for all the times she had tried.

Meg, free of any defense and clearly seeing, spoke this to Dave, “I’m sorry this is so painful for you and I know you want me to make this better but I can’t.  Dave, when you’re ready to know that you’re worthy of believing in, then we can approach this from a new place.  I’m going to leave this with you now.”

Meg kissed Dave on the cheek, gave him a love filled hug and walked away.  Dave was left to be with the space made in Meg’s refusal to engage.   Meg walked out of a metaphoric prison cell,  leaving the door open in an act of kindness to them both.

The end result, after some time, was that Dave had the room to recognize that what Meg said was the most loving gift she could offer.  Underneath his need for her to save him, he met the true hero waiting for him all along…his belief in himself.  Once Dave recognized that this truly was an inside job, he began a path of true healing and self-regard.

Next week I’ll share about the next step in our sequence: Engaging.

To learn more about Danae’s private consultation work or upcoming Teleseminar / Webinars please visit www.TheBreathingLife.com

N.U.C.L.E.A.R. Reaction

Welcome back to this 7 part series on  N.U.C.L.E.A.R. Reaction.  This week I’m going to write about the third letter in our acronym, “C.”

The letter “C” in  N.U.C.L.E.A.R. stands for “choices.”   The application is about bringing choices to the moment after noticing and understanding what is happening with ourselves and another when we get triggered.

It’s interesting to note that sometimes we prefer to be “right” instead of at peace.  Funny thing about human beings.  Sometimes our self-worth is protected by our defensive behavior, and therefore we take a position to prove that we are correct.  In this dynamic, usually nobody wins.

If our energy is off and running we can feel like we have no choice but to go with it.  We might think, “Well I just said that thing, now I have to back it up!”  We can get caught in the momentum of defending ourselves and lose sight of the opportunity to make a new choice.

Being at choice means being in touch with our ability to be really present with ourselves, to feel the currents of energy moving, shifting and changing.  From this we can choose freshly what feels like the truth, that is, if our aim is harmony over being right!

It’s good to stop the action and feel in to our choices when we can.  These questions can be useful guides:

“What am I actually after right now, what are the results I want?”

“Do I need to stay with my defenses or can I give myself permission to shift gears?”

“What would happen if I reached for forgiveness, harmony, and peace right now?”

These questions can help us to recognize that choices are at hand.

I remember an interaction with my Mom years ago.  She is small and hard of hearing so sometimes her voice can come across harsh sounding.  The harshness in her voice is mainly because she can’t hear herself so well.

My Mom was visiting from out of state and I had had a stress full day.  It was dinner time and I was already famished.  I have one of those body types that requires food almost immediately once hungry so I can come across as tense.

She asked if I was ready for dinner.  I read her meaning as, “Are you going to make dinner now?”   I responded from my stressed state that I couldn’t possibly start making dinner with how hungry I already was and how maxed I felt.  To this she replied with amore concentrated tone, ‘I didn’t ask you if you were going to make dinner, I asked if you were ready for dinner.”

I perceived she was frustrated and “yelling” at me as opposed to just trying to make herself heard internally, and externally.  My stress levels went up.

Once it became clear that she was trying to take me out for dinner, we were on our way in a car and I was feeling quite tense.  The story I was in was why we “always” had such a hard time understanding one another, aside from her hearing loss.  I was upset, and I thought she was too.

It dawned on me that perhaps I was just caught up in my story of old and that my low blood sugar was affecting my sense of things. I started feeling in to my choices: I could remain tense and perceive her in that space or I could actually investigate what was going on.  I knew that a good meal was on its way and that felt calming, plus I had grabbed a snack to hold me over!

I chose to give up my position of defense and the need to point to “how busy” I was, justifying my non-availability to cook. (read: I’m right to not have to cook after my hectic day).

I asked my Mom what her experience of our exchange was, I wanted to know if she was upset.  She was surprised that I thought she was upset, she thought we were simply heading out for a nice meal now that our direction was clear.  She never thought of herself as “yelling.”

That moment of reaching for the truth of our exchange instead of seeking to remain in a defensive posture set me free.  I recognized that by choosing to aim for harmony and peace, that’s exactly what I received.  I was free from the story, the projection and the tension.  I was also now present in the moment with my Mom, ready to enjoy an evening out and that was an important gift for me.

Remembering to check out our choices for how to navigate our energy is an opportunity for a fresh start.  We never know what gifts await us in the land of choices.

Next week I’ll share about the next step in our sequence: Letting go.

To learn more about Danae’s private consultation work or upcoming Teleseminar / Webinars please visit www.TheBreathingLife.com

N.U.C.L.E.A.R. Reaction

Welcome back to this 7 part series on  N.U.C.L.E.A.R. Reaction.  This week I’m going to write about the second letter in our acronym, “U.”

The letter “U” in  N.U.C.L.E.A.R. stands for “understanding.”   The application is about bringing understanding after noticing what occurs when we get triggered.

Taking the time to tune in and understand what is happening with ourselves when triggered is a gift.  Understanding allows us to self-resource, to start to respond to ourselves instead of react.  We’re often reactive because we don’t know what’s going on.  Most people don’t feel safe when they don’t know what’s going on.  Understanding brings relief from the “unknown.”

Once triggered we usually have an urge to react with defense, a need to protect ourselves, perhaps justify our position.  Our inquiry in these triggers is what brings insight and gives us choices.

Here’s an example:  Clarice found Don’s ad on Craig’s List for housing.  After having a successful conversation with Don by phone she decided to see the rental space.  During this visit she and Don were able to discuss details, make verbal agreements and conclude that they wanted to go forward with becoming housemates.

Clarice knew she had one month to organize and move.  Don was extraordinarily busy and unavailable to communicate further for a couple of weeks.

When Clarice checked back in with Don by e-mail after the two weeks, she found that he was presenting points that weren’t congruent with their last discussion. Don’s new ideas were in fact going to make the arrangement no longer a possibility.

Clarice was triggered.  She was caught in her reaction which went something like this: “What? Where is he coming from? Why is he changing the story? Men are so unreliable!  Now I have to figure out where to live and I don’t have the time to!”  Her heart was pumping and her body was in “red alert.”  To her, it was a matter of survival.

Clarice remembered to notice that she was in reaction.  She slowed everything down with deep breaths and let the energy of panic dissipate. She did an inquiry on the spot by asking the following question, “What am I actually reacting to here, what’s my story? How old am I right now? Am I feeling unsafe?”  

 As Clarice showed up for herself with this loving intent to reach for compassion and understanding, her energy shifted.  She became aware of her underlying beliefs that were firing up, causing this reaction.

She recognized that she had a long history of feeling desperate and scared when it came to moving.  She recalled moving away from her best friends and most of her family when she was a little girl.

With this insight, Clarice understood that the little girl in her was panicking.  In response to this, she chose to “be there” for this part of herself by affirming that she would handle the situation in her adulthood and find out what was truly happening with Don. Now that she had a better understanding of what was happening within her, Clarice could respond instead of react to Don.

Clarice reviewed the initial agreements she and Don had made and sent a list for him.  In her new capacity to respond instead of react it dawned on her that perhaps Don was overwhelmed from his last two weeks and wasn’t clear about what they’d discussed. She also realized that their verbal agreements were never written down.

When Don received this clear review of what they had agreed to he was grateful and apologetic.  He shared that he doesn’t track verbal conversations well and needs written details.  He also shared that he was dealing with some unexpected emergencies during his two weeks and that these things threw him off.

Don appreciated Clarice’s gift in presenting facts, written out for his review.  This action allowed him to re-group, recognize their agreements and become present to the opportunity at hand.

Being back on course, Clarice felt relieved and also proud of herself for taking the time to reach for self-love and understanding, beyond her fear based triggers.

Don felt grateful for and was happy to stand by these initial agreements. He also appreciated the lack of judgment coming from Clarice.  He had been uncomfortable about his “weakness” in not tracking or being well organized.

Together, Clarice and Don went forward with kindness, clarity and understanding.  They also learned that a simple solution like words on paper were supportive to both of them!

Understanding oneself first and then applying understanding to another will often elevate everyone involved.

Next week I’ll share about the next step in our sequence: choices.

To learn more about Danae’s private consultation work or upcoming
Teleseminars/ Webinars please visit www.TheBreathingLife.com.

N.U.C.L.E.A.R. Reaction

Before I dive in to the first installment of the 7 part series on  N.U.C.L.E.A.R. Reaction, I’d like to repeat a few thoughts from the introductory blog.

When I received this unexpected message from Guidance, I recognized that I was being “taught” a sequence for navigating energy when personal buttons are pushed and the trigger is really hot…like “I want to throw things at you” kind of hot.

I was shown that through this sequence of steps, anyone can have the capacity to choose how to organize their experience when triggered.   This offering of insight suggested that these steps can be applied to one’s internal relationship with oneself first.  The same steps can then be applied with another person in an interaction.

When applying this sequence, I noticed it pulled me back from assumptions and projections in the moment and afforded me a spacious feeling.  This allowed me to explore what was actually occurring in the moment instead of being lost in or attached to my story of what was happening.  It gave me a “clear lenses” through which to see, feel and respond to the dynamic at hand.

Now let’s begin with the acronym letter of this week’s blog.  The letter “N” in  N.U.C.L.E.A.R. stands for “noticing.”   The application is about noticing what occurs when we get triggered.

What happens when our buttons get pushed and we find ourselves, like a changeling, moving from balanced, pleasant person to explosive head hunter in less than a minute?  Even the most enlightened of us have this capacity.  It makes humanness colorful.

Noticing what is happening takes courage, presence and willingness.  It is much easier to run with the wrath of reaction and spew than it is to care enough to take stock of exactly what it is that’s been triggered.  How do we do this one small step?

A long, deep and full breath (repeated as necessary) allows us to decompress from the fight or flight response that is typically the “what” of what gets triggered.  We tend to suddenly feel unsafe, and that puts us in defense which physiologically means “fight or flight” reaction.

Once we are on this hyper alert, we are ready to leap in to action.  This action usually comes pouring out of our mouths as yelling, blaming, desecrating and otherwise attempting to kill off the enemy…which often is someone we love.

Wild isn’t it?

When we take that first breath we can check in with ourselves and actually notice what is going on.  Here are three initial questions we can ask ourselves that can help with “noticing”

1) “Am I feeling judged, blamed, criticized, confronted and thereby unsafe?”

2) “Is my heart rate up, am I afraid?”

3) “Are my adrenals pumping, do I want to attack this person verbally or physically?”

Here’s another four questions to follow up with:

1) “Do I believe that my ONLY choice is to react or can I explore my experience for a moment or two and see if there are more choices?”

2) “Am I literally unsafe or am I feeling unworthy, unlovable, less than or inadequate?”

3) “Do I feel a need to defend or justify myself and to also make the other person wrong?”

4) “How can I be here for myself right now, in this moment?”

That last question is the pearl, ‘How can I be here for myself right now, in this moment?”

So much happens when we get triggered aside from the chemical reaction in the body.  We often have subconscious beliefs that go something like this: “I’m not enough,” “I’m unlovable, unworthy and even undeserving.”  When someone brings us an opportunity to make direct contact with these feelings we often want to lash out because these self-judgments hurt.

Believe it or not, it’s really okay to stop all interaction when triggered, to take a breath (or two, or ten) and to call for a moment of silence to create a space to go within and check on ourselves to see what is actually happening inside.

It is often the case that the undercurrents of guilt, shame, blame and criticism of ourselves is what is being stirred.  This stir is a call to love, and that’s how we can show up for ourselves.  We may not be able to get completely clear in that instant, however we can show up in love for ourselves right on the spot.

Showing up for ourselves can look different for each of us.  My version would go something like this,”Look, I’m really triggered right now and I’m feeling defensive and unsafe.  I need a moment here without interacting so I can check in with myself.”  From there, I would breathe deep and slow and feel everything that is happening, physically and emotionally.  This would give me space to move toward understanding of what is happening in my own system.

Here’s a recent example: A close friend, meaning well, offered his opinions about my latest life choices.  These choices took a lot of work for me to make, a lot of soul searching.  When his opinion countered my decisions, I felt like yelling the following at him; “Try and do a better job if you know so much, you figure it out!”

I took a breath and noticed my impulse to react.  I let my friend know what I was feeling and then took a few minutes to process my experience.  I realized that I was still feeling scared and insecure about the conclusions I reached. I was also trying to march bravely on and didn’t want my conclusions tampered with as that placed me in direct contact with my feelings of insecurity.

I presented this to my friend who listened to my honesty instead of receiving the force of my reaction.  The compassion that arose between us was beautiful and I realized I had more to investigate about my choices.  My friend realized that he really wanted to support me and didn’t know how.

Noticing first what is happening within ourselves can bring a harmonious, more conscious interaction and also steer us clear of creating further hurt.

Next week I’ll go in to the next step in the application of this sequence with the letter “U.”

It started off as a whisper and then grew into a demand, a loving demand with deep compassion. I had been in bed more than not for about a month the spring of 2011. You could say I was experiencing a healing crisis and major ego death. It was physical in nature and it invited me to look at my thoughts around physical death. Was this “it?” I was being asked to come clean. Lots to think about when thinking about death: Would I feel fulfilled? Did I live my life to it’s fullest? What came to me consistently was that I wanted to do my music more and offer my spiritual work more. Over and again, this awareness came loud and clear.

I healed slowly but surely and found myself out and about after two months of morphing through this transformation. On the wings of many friends prayers, my own coming to terms with “me” and of course a great dose of grace, I was grateful to have my energy back and be on my way. But, where?

“What do you want?” the voice invoked, “choose.” All I knew is that I wanted to be further immersed in my music and offering my spiritual work in the world. I didn’t know HOW. I was facing financial hardship after all that time of not seeing clients or students. I didn’t know if I had the energy to take up my professional practice like before. What did I want? Mostly to be held and cared for; to continue to rest and heal, and to somehow live in the fulfillment of the divine design of my life. I wanted music, spirituality and community.

I was certain that the divine design had a lot to do with these three pieces. I was certain that I was still a single Mom needing to provide for my son and I. I was certain I didn’t have the same energy of fire for producing events anymore. How to proceed? “What do you want?” Spirit asked again. “Geez! I’m working on that!” I retorted.

I decided to pull out a program I developed and to start doing it. It’s funny how I can fall off the wagon of doing the very things I teach others. So, I began my focus on Soul Centered Wealth. It took me inside myself and I became more clear.

I decided what I wanted and named it this way: “I intend for the divine design of my life to fulfill itself effortlessly, beautifully and by grace. I feel that music and spiritual mentoring are my deepest joys. I love being connected deeply in community. I choose to allow this to unfold in a way that brings a wealthy, healthy and fun life to my son and I. I KNOW that God is my supply and source and this is given automatically regardless of circumstances and conditions. I KNOW that nothing can stand between my good and my capacity to receive my good. So God, cause me to receive my good in gentle and lovely ways. I want the insecurity about receiving, that is programmed in my personality, to be re-trained through direct experiences of receiving. Now would be good, thank you!”

Shortly after this, which means June 2011 through the end of August, the following took place.
My son and I moved into a very delightful living situation in Boulder. This now allows him to get to and from high school independently as well as to get to all of his friends on his own. My overhead is down by %50 and I now live next door to the Chapel where I teach my voice students and give monthly breath workshops. Better wealth, more community? Yes.

My music partner Bob and I just spent the last year recording 40 interactive healing sessions set to transformative music. We were giving them away on my site www.thebreathinglife.com People kept reporting really wonderful experiences. Out of nowhere an old colleague showed up in my life, and with this reunion came an invitation to market our work through her networks as “for sale” product. This would allow my spiritual work to go forward without my body having to go with it. After many years of flying all over the country this sounded good to me. The product launched in September. More health & wealth? Yes.

Bob and I met a new music partner Ted, who brought Sanskrit chants to us which included his own English translations. In Kirtan singing, this is somewhat rare. Ted had an inspiration to record a demo and shop it to different labels. This was a new area for both Bob and I and our hearts said “Yes!” I found myself having a most healing time laying down my vocals, merging sound with Ted’s voice and Bob’s instrumentation. That demo was turned in to a CD and is now for sale through our websites. More music? Yes.

At July’s end I was strong enough to go on a retreat I had planned nine months earlier. It was a spiritual retreat to Mt. Shasta, California and different clients and friends had signed up to take my program. On this retreat, I enjoyed hiking to the waterfalls, lakes and hot springs. This was a blessing since part of what took me down in the spring also tampered with my knee stability, and hiking wasn’t something I could take for granted.

Also on the retreat, my almost 15 year old son re-met a young woman he had met earlier in the year. This young woman happens to be the daughter of my good friend. My son spoke of her on and off throughout the summer. My friend and her daughter flew out with my son and I to go to retreat. Our teenagers experienced “being met” for the first time in their young lives by a peer who “matches” them. Watching them grow in to their friendship together was a joy to behold and touched all of us. More fun, community and offering my spiritual work? Yes.

Back home in Boulder from retreat, “What do you want?” “I want more of THAT, THAT was heaven!!!”

The bar for my life had been raised. I wanted everything I felt and experienced in Mt. Shasta to take root in my life in Boulder. Suprisingly, I fell in to three days of a dark mood. I was trying to figureout how to make it happen. I was like a caged tiger going in circles. “What do you want?” I was asked again. I admit it; I was yelling back, “I want my life to feel here like it did there! THAT’S what I want; I don’t know HOW to make it like that, that’s what I want!”

As soon as I gave up my war for control and decided I also want an EASEFUL existence, I was inspired to re-start my Soul Centered Wealth program, again. Everything started moving in to place.

A local couple who had enjoyed some of my breath workshops felt inspired to help move my work out into the world. They are now organizing my breath workshops. They are starting to dream on how to build momentum for the Mt. Shasta 2012 retreat as are the 2011 Mt. Shasta retreat participants. More community, wealth and ease? Yes.

In early September a local music school took me on as a vocal coach. This felt like a good thing. Then they lost half of their voice students with school starting which left me with only a couple of lessons each week and this wasn’t enough for me.

“What do you want?”

“Why do you keep asking me that?”

“The more clear you become, the more the Universe can respond.”

“I already know that, what do you mean?”

“You think you understand the full meaning of the question, your knowing is getting in your way, search your heart. Are you just accepting what is offered or are you generating what you wish for?”

“Oh!”
I had forgotten about that piece. My guides taught me that angle years ago. Here I was playing victim to the circumstances instead of turning metals into gold, and creating an opportunity where there didn’t appear to be one.

It dawned on me that I did develop a two semester vocal course for teens called Hit the Stage! I had set it aside at the start of this summer. The inspiration came to me to introduce this course to the music school to see if they would be interested. My next thought was that this school is a franchise and most likely it would have to go across the board, not just in Boulder. This brought up my insecurity about being “smart enough” to dare to approach such a big idea. I then remembered to surrender the “how” and lean in to what I want. I decided I wanted to somehow organically be placed in the presence of a decision maker and have the courage to talk about my program. I thought it could take a lot of ladder climbing to get the attention of a franchise owner, so the local manager would be a great start.

Two mornings later I was watching the house band perform for the first time. I had been introduced to“the big guy” a few minutes prior. I assumed this was the manager of the music school. I had only started that week and hadn’t met everyone yet. I was pointing out the techniques that each of the singers could use to up-level their performance and keep their voice intact. I went on to share my ideasabout stage presence and choreography. Mr. Big really enjoyed my input and agreed with my perspectives.

I liked him, he liked my ideas. I found myself talking with him about Hit the Stage! I felt like it was a good practice, to share about it. I wrapped up my sharing with the thought that I wasn’t sure how my program could actually make it through a whole franchise because the owner would have to really love it. Mr. Big smiled broadly and said, “Well that’s not a problem because I am the franchise owner! Introduce your program here in Boulder and if all goes well, we’ll talk!” More fun, wealth, community and music? Yes.

“What do you want?” I am asked. “To be more awake to creating my choices rather than just responding to those presented!” I happily shouted.

I wrapped up the summer with wide eyed wonder at how amazing things can be when I get out of the way AND get clear. I believe this is true for all of us.

CD demo, done. Launch of Evolutions in Consciousness Healing Meditations, done. Presenting program to franchise owner, done. Watching my son come to Mt. Shasta for the first time in his life, done.Having other inspired people volunteer to organize my workshops and trainings, done.Walking, hiking and singing regularly, done.

More music, offerings of my spiritual work and more community, all with ease? Yes!

Did I see all this coming when down in my bed back in the spring, wondering how long my life would extend? Absolutely not.

“What do you want?” “I want friends to take inspiration from my experiences and see the mirror of their own self. I want them to see the option of creating from their hearts not just responding to the choices given. That’s what I want!”

I will continue to answer the question freshly for myself as I grow. What I’m curious about now is:“What do YOU want?”

All Blessings ~
Danae

Who are You and What Do You Want?

An article for dating camp

Let’s face it, there’s a lot to sort through.  We are multi-faceted people with depth, dimension and a whole range of personalities, styles and preferences.  The more successful dates happen when we know who we are and what we want.  Think of this is a screening process.

It’s empowering to know what who we are and what we want.  This clarity creates confidence and direction and that in itself is a gift to us and to prospective dates.

Let’s take Susan for example.  Susan knew she was ready for the “real deal.”  Her goal was to meet a man who could match her passion for the arts, share in her world travel adventures and engage in sophisticated, gala events.

Susan knew she valued spiritual ideals as well as family.  She also knew that having children wouldn’t be on her agenda for another 7 years.   Her past experiences with men who were “nesting” types helped her learn that her direction didn’t match the men of that lifestyle.

When Susan received a “high level match” from the dating service she was very excited. She first noticed how attractive Ben was.  She liked his communication style and his sense of humor.  His age and geographical location all met her qualifications.  He was sweet, smooth and debonair.  He was also world traveled and followed a spiritual path.

With great anticipation, Susan read more about Ben, and learned that he was an organic gardener and bee keeper. His roots and stability were important to him and he had had his fill of world travel.  Ben wanted to start a family within a couple of years, stay home and share his cozy lifestyle with his beloved.

Susan felt that old familiar feeling of wanting to contact Ben “just in case” it would be different in person than what she’d read.  She noticed that inclination and asked herself an important question, “Do I want to try and change this person to meet my agenda, or do I trust in myself that I know what I want and where I’m heading and let this match go?”

Over the past five years, Susan had learned to truly value herself. She had become clear on whom she was and what she wanted and these things for her were non-negotiable.  Her clarity about staying with her plan outweighed her propensity for romanticizing this potential connection.  By making this choice she honored herself and didn’t waste Ben’s time.  She let the match go and moved on.

Any of us could be in Susan’s shoes.  Sometimes the wish for love and partnership can pull us off of our trajectory.  The difficulty with getting distracted is that the core things we value will surface after a time, they always do.

By being clear about what matters most to her, Susan is sure to meet a man who  aligns with her energy naturally and overall, this will be great for both parties involved.

~

Before entering the dating realm it’s good for us to do a personal inquiry.  Susan stayed true to herself and so can we.  The following eight questions are guideposts and may inspire a deeper inquiry to help us get to know who we are and what we want relative to ourselves and dating:

1)    What am I most passionate about and committed to in my life?

2)    What are my spiritual or religious beliefs and do I need someone to share in this with me?

3)    Do I believe in myself and trust myself in guiding my own life?

4)    Am I flexible in my thinking or committed to an agenda already in place for where my life is heading?

5)    Have I completed on past relationships or is there more closure work to do?

6)    What are my needs emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically, sexually and for my overall lifestyle?

7)    Do I want children in my life and if so how and when?

8)    Do I want to be with someone similar to me or different?

Many of us have to learn to take stock in ourselves, it doesn’t necessarily come automatically.  We all have inner critics as well as inner champions and these impact they way we perceive ourselves and influence whether or not we feel loveable and valuable.

Getting to know ourselves intimately is a primer for getting to know another person.  If we come to a connection as self-resourced adults then there is less attachment to trying to get our needs met through someone else.  There is also more enjoyment in receiving someone for who they truly are without our hidden agendas for them.

Dating is an adventure with many flavors to it.  If we are open to it, we can feel ourselves against the presence of another soul, and sense whether a connection has true potential or not.

When we are self-resourced, we have the space to do a screening process before agreeing to meet with someone.  If we still feel to meet them, then we have the capacity to really receive them in who they are because we’re not hoping to be “completed” by them.  Instead, we’re focused on the amazing fullness that can happen when two people who know who they are and what they want come together.

When the path is clear, each person can enjoy the dating experience for the gifts that it brings, just the way it is.