It started off as a whisper and then grew into a demand, a loving demand with deep compassion. I had been in bed more than not for about a month the spring of 2011. You could say I was experiencing a healing crisis and major ego death. It was physical in nature and it invited me to look at my thoughts around physical death. Was this “it?” I was being asked to come clean. Lots to think about when thinking about death: Would I feel fulfilled? Did I live my life to it’s fullest? What came to me consistently was that I wanted to do my music more and offer my spiritual work more. Over and again, this awareness came loud and clear.
I healed slowly but surely and found myself out and about after two months of morphing through this transformation. On the wings of many friends prayers, my own coming to terms with “me” and of course a great dose of grace, I was grateful to have my energy back and be on my way. But, where?
“What do you want?” the voice invoked, “choose.” All I knew is that I wanted to be further immersed in my music and offering my spiritual work in the world. I didn’t know HOW. I was facing financial hardship after all that time of not seeing clients or students. I didn’t know if I had the energy to take up my professional practice like before. What did I want? Mostly to be held and cared for; to continue to rest and heal, and to somehow live in the fulfillment of the divine design of my life. I wanted music, spirituality and community.
I was certain that the divine design had a lot to do with these three pieces. I was certain that I was still a single Mom needing to provide for my son and I. I was certain I didn’t have the same energy of fire for producing events anymore. How to proceed? “What do you want?” Spirit asked again. “Geez! I’m working on that!” I retorted.
I decided to pull out a program I developed and to start doing it. It’s funny how I can fall off the wagon of doing the very things I teach others. So, I began my focus on Soul Centered Wealth. It took me inside myself and I became more clear.
I decided what I wanted and named it this way: “I intend for the divine design of my life to fulfill itself effortlessly, beautifully and by grace. I feel that music and spiritual mentoring are my deepest joys. I love being connected deeply in community. I choose to allow this to unfold in a way that brings a wealthy, healthy and fun life to my son and I. I KNOW that God is my supply and source and this is given automatically regardless of circumstances and conditions. I KNOW that nothing can stand between my good and my capacity to receive my good. So God, cause me to receive my good in gentle and lovely ways. I want the insecurity about receiving, that is programmed in my personality, to be re-trained through direct experiences of receiving. Now would be good, thank you!”
Shortly after this, which means June 2011 through the end of August, the following took place.
My son and I moved into a very delightful living situation in Boulder. This now allows him to get to and from high school independently as well as to get to all of his friends on his own. My overhead is down by %50 and I now live next door to the Chapel where I teach my voice students and give monthly breath workshops. Better wealth, more community? Yes.
My music partner Bob and I just spent the last year recording 40 interactive healing sessions set to transformative music. We were giving them away on my site www.thebreathinglife.com People kept reporting really wonderful experiences. Out of nowhere an old colleague showed up in my life, and with this reunion came an invitation to market our work through her networks as “for sale” product. This would allow my spiritual work to go forward without my body having to go with it. After many years of flying all over the country this sounded good to me. The product launched in September. More health & wealth? Yes.
Bob and I met a new music partner Ted, who brought Sanskrit chants to us which included his own English translations. In Kirtan singing, this is somewhat rare. Ted had an inspiration to record a demo and shop it to different labels. This was a new area for both Bob and I and our hearts said “Yes!” I found myself having a most healing time laying down my vocals, merging sound with Ted’s voice and Bob’s instrumentation. That demo was turned in to a CD and is now for sale through our websites. More music? Yes.
At July’s end I was strong enough to go on a retreat I had planned nine months earlier. It was a spiritual retreat to Mt. Shasta, California and different clients and friends had signed up to take my program. On this retreat, I enjoyed hiking to the waterfalls, lakes and hot springs. This was a blessing since part of what took me down in the spring also tampered with my knee stability, and hiking wasn’t something I could take for granted.
Also on the retreat, my almost 15 year old son re-met a young woman he had met earlier in the year. This young woman happens to be the daughter of my good friend. My son spoke of her on and off throughout the summer. My friend and her daughter flew out with my son and I to go to retreat. Our teenagers experienced “being met” for the first time in their young lives by a peer who “matches” them. Watching them grow in to their friendship together was a joy to behold and touched all of us. More fun, community and offering my spiritual work? Yes.
Back home in Boulder from retreat, “What do you want?” “I want more of THAT, THAT was heaven!!!”
The bar for my life had been raised. I wanted everything I felt and experienced in Mt. Shasta to take root in my life in Boulder. Suprisingly, I fell in to three days of a dark mood. I was trying to figureout how to make it happen. I was like a caged tiger going in circles. “What do you want?” I was asked again. I admit it; I was yelling back, “I want my life to feel here like it did there! THAT’S what I want; I don’t know HOW to make it like that, that’s what I want!”
As soon as I gave up my war for control and decided I also want an EASEFUL existence, I was inspired to re-start my Soul Centered Wealth program, again. Everything started moving in to place.
A local couple who had enjoyed some of my breath workshops felt inspired to help move my work out into the world. They are now organizing my breath workshops. They are starting to dream on how to build momentum for the Mt. Shasta 2012 retreat as are the 2011 Mt. Shasta retreat participants. More community, wealth and ease? Yes.
In early September a local music school took me on as a vocal coach. This felt like a good thing. Then they lost half of their voice students with school starting which left me with only a couple of lessons each week and this wasn’t enough for me.
“What do you want?”
“Why do you keep asking me that?”
“The more clear you become, the more the Universe can respond.”
“I already know that, what do you mean?”
“You think you understand the full meaning of the question, your knowing is getting in your way, search your heart. Are you just accepting what is offered or are you generating what you wish for?”
I had forgotten about that piece. My guides taught me that angle years ago. Here I was playing victim to the circumstances instead of turning metals into gold, and creating an opportunity where there didn’t appear to be one.
It dawned on me that I did develop a two semester vocal course for teens called Hit the Stage! I had set it aside at the start of this summer. The inspiration came to me to introduce this course to the music school to see if they would be interested. My next thought was that this school is a franchise and most likely it would have to go across the board, not just in Boulder. This brought up my insecurity about being “smart enough” to dare to approach such a big idea. I then remembered to surrender the “how” and lean in to what I want. I decided I wanted to somehow organically be placed in the presence of a decision maker and have the courage to talk about my program. I thought it could take a lot of ladder climbing to get the attention of a franchise owner, so the local manager would be a great start.
Two mornings later I was watching the house band perform for the first time. I had been introduced to“the big guy” a few minutes prior. I assumed this was the manager of the music school. I had only started that week and hadn’t met everyone yet. I was pointing out the techniques that each of the singers could use to up-level their performance and keep their voice intact. I went on to share my ideasabout stage presence and choreography. Mr. Big really enjoyed my input and agreed with my perspectives.
I liked him, he liked my ideas. I found myself talking with him about Hit the Stage! I felt like it was a good practice, to share about it. I wrapped up my sharing with the thought that I wasn’t sure how my program could actually make it through a whole franchise because the owner would have to really love it. Mr. Big smiled broadly and said, “Well that’s not a problem because I am the franchise owner! Introduce your program here in Boulder and if all goes well, we’ll talk!” More fun, wealth, community and music? Yes.
“What do you want?” I am asked. “To be more awake to creating my choices rather than just responding to those presented!” I happily shouted.
I wrapped up the summer with wide eyed wonder at how amazing things can be when I get out of the way AND get clear. I believe this is true for all of us.
CD demo, done. Launch of Evolutions in Consciousness Healing Meditations, done. Presenting program to franchise owner, done. Watching my son come to Mt. Shasta for the first time in his life, done.Having other inspired people volunteer to organize my workshops and trainings, done.Walking, hiking and singing regularly, done.
More music, offerings of my spiritual work and more community, all with ease? Yes!
Did I see all this coming when down in my bed back in the spring, wondering how long my life would extend? Absolutely not.
“What do you want?” “I want friends to take inspiration from my experiences and see the mirror of their own self. I want them to see the option of creating from their hearts not just responding to the choices given. That’s what I want!”
I will continue to answer the question freshly for myself as I grow. What I’m curious about now is:“What do YOU want?”
All Blessings ~